Emotional Connections

Week 7 Turn Toward Your Partner

When making cookies you can’t just throw all the ingredients in a bowl and expect the dough to appear. You have to mix it all together with something. I use a Kitchen-Aid mixer to turn everything together. The same thing has to happen in marriage. We as spouses have to turn to each other to meld our relationship together.

Dr. John Gottman, in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" teaches that our society has been trained by Hollywood to think romantic love is shown by grand gestures that all around can see. What Dr. Gottman proposes is that real love happens in the small and simple moments. These moments come in the day in and day out things that we all have to do. Examples of this could be helping to wash the dishes, or helping to fold the laundry. When spouses do these things together they are contributing to what Gottman refers to as an “emotional bank account”. He says, “They are building ups savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough”.

My husband is so good at this! He always wants to be with me whatever I am doing. Some examples of this are

He will help me when I am making a wedding cake. He says, “I want to be your assistant”. It always makes me laugh.

He will help me with my school. If I am having a difficult time, he will help me study.

He will go to the grocery store with me when he can.

He built me a chicken coop! I mentioned a few years back that I would like some backyard chickens. It took some time, but he helped me research it and then we got our chickens! He will go out with me and take care of the coop. He helps me collect the eggs.

One of my chicks

My beautiful chicken coop!

As I think about these things, I realize when we do these things together we are helping to nurture our relationship. We are doing the things necessary to keep romantic love alive in our marriage. Does it take a giant sized chicken coop to do this? No! The gesture can be as small as sitting down to watch the same TV show as your spouse. The trick is to find those things that will help your spouse feel loved, and then do those things.