Week 13: In-law Relationships
Recipes for happy marriages may differ from couple to
couple. Each couple may do things differently. That is great! They should do
thing the way they feel is best for their family. One thing that is the same
for every marriage is THE IN-LAWS. Every couple has to learn how to navigate
their way through the maze of his and her mother, father, sister, brother and
other family members. Sometimes the transition is easy and other times it is
difficult.
 |
| These are my amazing in-laws! |
I have amazing in-laws! They have always accepted and loved
me from the very day I met them. My family, however, has not always been so
kind to my husband. Their negativity has mainly stemmed from my decision to
marry a member of the church in the temple. My father is a member but my mother
is not. She could not attend the wedding and her side of the family felt as if
I was cheating her out of my wedding day. After the wedding when we would visit
my husband was always met with a very cold shoulder especially from my maternal
grandmother. She would actually turn her back to him. I was always so embarrassed
and felt really badly for my husband. He always went cheerfully, and never
complained, but it really bothered me. We as a couple had to stop and define
what this relationship would be. We wanted the relationship with my family, but
if it was going to be contentious we would need to distance ourselves from it.
We did distance ourselves from it for some time, but it only made things worse.
The feelings of being left out or forgotten got worse. Over time we started
making visits again, but we limited the time. If my grandmother started being
nasty we left immediately. I needed to let my husband know he was most
important to me now. Yes, I love this family, but I was not willing to allow
them to treat him badly any longer. This is when I began to understand the “leave
and cleave” that we hear about in scripture. I was making my own family now. I
needed to put that new family first! It took many years, but my grandmother
came around. She saw in my husband all the good qualities that drew me to him. During
the time that we kept our distance we did still keep my family in our prayers.
James Harper taught in his book on In-laws, “Couples can continue to pray for
these family members from a distance, keeping their hearts soft and ready to
forgive past offenses.”
I just became a mother-in-law in August. It is definitely a
transition, but after my experience, I wanted to make sure I never treated my
new daughter-in-law in a way that made her feel uncomfortable or sad. I
appreciated the list given in Harper’s book, as an in-law you should never:
1.
Give advice (unless asked for) or criticize
2.
Make an adult child give reason for missing a
family event
3.
Take over disciplining grandchildren
4.
Trying to control adult children’s beliefs
5.
Use unclear or indirect communication
I am trying to make sure I follow these rules. Sometimes it
can be really hard to keep my mouth shut. I have learned from my own experience
though that allowing the new couple to make their own decisions is best. I want
their marriage to succeed and that requires me to take a step back and allow
them to work to create their own new family.
Great advice on building lasting in-law relationships
No comments:
Post a Comment